Building Self-Esteem and Confidence

The roots of low self-esteem are complex and varied, and contrary to the old negative stereotype, therapy is not about blaming one's parents.

Low self-esteem can be the result of the story or narrative that the mind creates over the course of our lifetime. The brain stores all of our experiences and the emotional response to each one, creating a detailed story of who we are. The popular name or label for this story is our identity or self-image.

Sometimes our thoughts about ourselves can be helpful and encouraging. But sometimes, it can feel like we have a constant inner critic, putting us down and berating everything we think and do. 

At some points in the course of our lives, we all have difficult, painful, traumatic, or confusing experiences. The conclusions we draw from these experiences can lead to a negative self-image. For example:

1. I was abused…….. therefore, I must have done something to deserve it.
2. My partner left me…….. therefore, I must be unworthy of love.
3. I have trouble paying attention…….. therefore, I must be stupid.
4. I got fired from my job…….. therefore, I must be a failure.

Sometimes these negative conclusions are not so obvious or clear to us. And, to make matters worse, once we draw negative conclusions about ourselves, it can then cause us to act in ways that support the negative beliefs, creating a pattern of relationship or work problems.

Even those of us who are fortunate enough to have been raised in warm, supportive environments cannot escape the barrage of messages our culture sends about how we're supposed to be.

My job is to help my clients look more closely at the stories they believe about themselves, to uncover the roots of low self-esteem, and to move toward a healthy balance of self-acceptance and self-improvement.

A realistic self-image leads to more confidence, more energy and more capacity to work and love well. As clients begin to look closely at the stories that have evolved in the mind, sometimes over many years, they can begin to challenge and rewrite those inner narratives, often generating much more compassion and self-acceptance. Tools like Insight Meditation, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are often very productive.